The Negotiation
by ITell
Summary: Sherlock has taped Lestrade off-his-chops drunk and wants to negotiate the release of the video Lestrade made when Sherlock was high on Adler's drug. Features more of John trying to re-affirm his sexuality - mostly because I find it hilarious. Three chapters. Conversation Format. Dedicated to Serinah for her birthday.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock. If the contracts to who actually **_**does **_** own Sherlock go missing, then I still don't own Sherlock. **

** If the police come knocking on my door after such a theft, then I **_**especially **_**don't own Sherlock.**

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**A/N: **Sequel to Improbable Hospitality and Two Drunks, A Sofa And Sherlock Holmes.

To avoid confusion, Lestrade's lines are in _italic._

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Set 48 hours after the events of Two Drunks, A Sofa And Sherlock Holmes:

_"Okay the body is down the hall, neighbours say they didn't hear or see anyone - Sherlock, why are you smiling like that?"_

"Any obvious points of entry?"

"_The back door was pried open with a crowbar . . . John do you know why he's grinning like that?"_

"No. He's been like that for the past couple of days - "

"Well tell him to stop, it's unnatural. It's like he's plotting to kill us or something!"

_"Get back to work Sargeant Donovan. You're needed to guard the front door."_

"But sir - "

"_Now Donovan."_

"That was well handled, are you feeling okay Greg?"

_"Still fuzzy headed from the other night."_

"That was two days ago Greg. You must have one hell of a hangover."

_"Yeah, well. We did drink alot. Did you find out why that sofa was on the doorstep?"_

"No, but I suspect Sherlock knows. He won't tell me one way or the other."

_"Sadistic git. Alright Sherlock what have you got for us?"_

"There were two crimes intended to be commited today. The brother-in-law came, in a jealous rage over her lottery winnings, killed her and took the offending ticket."

_"He broke into her apartment? Wait, two crimes?"_

"Yes Lestrade, the brother-in-law - you'll find his fingerprints on that very carefully placed lampshade that you've neglected to dust, by the way - was invited in. A burglar came, probably her friend in that photo - career criminal, obvious because of his shoes - "

"His shoes?"

"Yes John. Nobody wears light-weight, rubber-gripping soled boots to an shopping centre; not unless they were planning on running very fast."

"Oh. So how do you know he was here?"

"The back door. Professional job. He came to steal the ticket for himself, saw the dead body and panicked. Ran. Infact he probably reported the murder himself, anonymously. You may need to check your hotline."

_"Okay, so how come the neighbours didn't hear anything?"_

"She wasn't expecting it. So she didn't react to the first hit - which rendered her unconscious. He took the lampshade and struck her repeatedly. Cleaned it off and placed it high on that shelf where it would look innocuous to anyone entering."

_"Right then. So I'll get a line out on the brother-in-law?"_

"Yes. Then we must discuss your drunkeness at the flat the other day."

_"Jesus Sherlock, I don't remember much - anything really - if I did something offensive then I'm sorry. Unless I called you a prat, I'm not taking that back."_

"You don't remember, you say?"

_"Not a damned thing. Why?"_

"Let me show you."

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**A/N: **Happy birthday **Serinah**!

This is a three parter, for anyone wondering - so stay tuned!

Thanks to **johnsarmylady **for suggesting this follow up!

Also, of course: Any and all reviews and PM's are welcome, whether you liked it or not. Constructive criticism is very useful to me. I will endevour to respond to all of them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Sherlock. Wipes imaginary tear from eye. **

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These are the events immediately after the ending of Two Drunks, A Sofa And Sherlock Holmes; or rather what Sherlock taped as blackmail for Lestrade:

***. . . Fumbling with the video feature on Sherlock's phone . . .***

Sherlock walked down the small hallway, carefully dodging the hippo foot, with his phone at the ready, to the bathroom by his bedroom.

John followed, with all the grace and balance of the heavily inebriated, tugging on Sherlock's arm to get his attention. Sherlock swatted John's hand away and entered the bathroom, filming Lestrade vomiting into the toilet - a horrific example of 'transport betrayal.'

This continued for over a minute before he ceased the disgusting display and sat against the bathtub in a drunken daze.

John started tugging on Sherlock's arm again, wobbling the camera. Sherlock swatted at him again. "John, go drink some water, before you join Lestrade for the second act."

"But, Sherlock! I'm not gay - I can't join Greg. It would be weird, because - because I don't think he's gay either."

"Oh for god's sake - I don't care about your sexuality, John. Go drink some water." Sherlock pushed John in the direction of the kitchen.

"I think you do care, Sherlock, because you're trying to set me and Greg up as a couple. I'm sorry, mate, it's - it's a real nice gesture . . . but it's just not going to happen."

"Excuse me?" Asked Sherlock, momentarily distracted from the blackmail at hand.

"We're incompat-patatable - "

"Incompatable." Put in Lestrade, standing up.

"I don't know what either of you are talking about, but you're both going to drink some water. Now." Said Sherlock, steering Lestrade into the direction of the kitchen.

Lestrade turned around suddenly, face smacking into Sherlock's phone. He paused for a moment looking directly into the lens. The Detective Inspector furrowed his brow, the cogs of his alcohol-addled brain slowly turning. He finally came to a realisation. "Sherlock, are you filming this?"

Sherlock put on his best innocent face, but Lestrade wasn't fooled.

***. . . Fumbling while Lestrade wrestles with Sherlock for the phone and succeeds in turning it off . . .***

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**45 vodka infused minutes later . . . **

***. . . Fumbling as Sherlock turns the video recording feature of his phone back on . . .***

The scene has changed dramatically. Bon Jovi is playing at a low volume - Sherlock had the decency to remind them of Mrs. Hudson asleep downstairs; but Lestrade and John's singing - or rather attempts too - were rather more louder.

Sherlock stood in the kitchen, protecting his and John's laptops, and all of Sherlock's chemistry equipment from the duo's sudden desire to sing on the table.

They had compromised with Sherlock to use the desk; kicking off all the papers, much to Sherlock's disgruntlement, and propping each other up to keep their balance.

Sherlock silently berated himself again for not remembering to warn the drunken pair about his experiment with vodka - which had unfortunately been stored in plastic water bottles - before they tried to get some water.

Sherlock had disappeared for a second, after Lestrade had successfully managed to turn off his phone, to flush and clean the loo - he didn't want the smell of vomit wafting it's way to his bedroom as he tried to sleep. If he got to sleep. He returned to find them uncoordinatedly trying to scull down the bottles of water-disguised vodka.

He thought they'd be immediately sick. _ If only he were so lucky, _he pondered from his post in the kitchen.

Though, in truth, it was rather fascinating, and well, it did make _brilliant _blackmail material.

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**A/N: **Sorry for the delay, the conclusion will be up soon, thank you for being patient.

Any and all reviews and PM's are welcome, whether you liked it or not. Constructive criticism is very useful to me. I will endevour to respond to all of them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Just checked on Google. I still don't own Sherlock.**

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**A/N: **Lestrade's lines are still in _italic._

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Later on in the evening, at the pub, after Lestrade has had time to calm down.

"Well Detective Inspector, how would you like to begin the negotiation?"

_"Sherlock it'd help if I knew what you wanted as well."_

"I want the release of the footage containing myself in an . . . unfortunate situation."

_"You mean the one of you high and climbing the curtains?"_

"Yes. That one."

_"Damnit Sherlock, can't you just let me have this one?"_

"Excuse me?"

_"Can't I win just this once?"_

"No. You took advantage of me in an delicate state, why should I cooperate with you?"

_"Because you filmed __**me **__ in a delicate state!"_

" . . . "

_"Oh, no defence to that?"_

"Give me a moment . . . my thought processes are slightly resistant due to this . . . what is it?"

_"That, Sherlock Holmes, is - or rather was - a pint. Do you want another?"_

"No thank you, Lestrade, I'm not that inebriated. I have no desire to give you more ammunition for your cause."

_"Worth a try. Where's John?"_

"Visiting his sister. Apparently he didn't want to get involved. I can't fathom why, he was in the video too."

_" . . . "_

" . . . "

_" . . . "_

"Well aren't you going to say something?"

_"Shut up, Sherlock . . . I'm weighing up my options."_

"What options? Either release the tape, or my video of you goes viral."

_"You upload your video, I'll upload mine."_

"Yes, but that would be undesirable to both of us."

_" . . . "_

" . . . "

_"Fine, you great prick, you win. I'll delete my tape if I see you delete yours."_

"Together?"

_"Yeah. Phone ready?"_

"Now."

***. . . After several moments of watching the delete bar on both phones complete . . .***

_"There. Happy now?"_

"Indeed."

_"One of these days, Sherlock, I will beat you."_

"I doubt it."

***. . . Three days later, a two year old video containing a certain Consulting Detective slipping on ice and skidding on his arse halfway down the street was uploaded on the web and went viral almost immediately. It was, for reasons unknown, made inaccessable on the internet by order of 'The British Government' . . .***

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**A/N: **Thank you to all who followed, favourited and reviewed this story. A special thanks to the ladies in Mrs. Hudson's Kitchen for always being an inspiration.

Again, thank you to **johnsarmylady **for suggesting a follow up.

Any and all reviews and PM's are welcome, whether you liked it or not. Constructive criticism is very useful to me. I will endevour to respond to all of them.


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